In a break from normal service and in a new Special Correspondent series, Noodlepie's Transnistria-based business reporter, Pedrillo Holo, reports on Vietnam’s stock market, trading in the local currency - the dong - and how widespread fears of a surging dong have some investors frustrated.
Reports of a hardening dong reached the Ministry of Finesse by 10am today. Onlookers say the dong remained flaccid throughout much of the morning session, but early indications suggested the dong could overheat by lunchtime. “The dong faces stiff competition from all sides,” said a MoF spokesperson in a prepared statement. “However, we fully expect to see a significant rise by the end of trading which should please frustrated investors.”
Hung Long, a buyer with 6 years experience handling dong deposits for Goldenbollocks Trading, agreed up to a point “I’ve seen some dong changing hands but the big players are just looking on for the moment. I expect the dong to harden noticeably as the afternoon session progresses and it could get messy.”
Bavarian currency speculator, Hans Von Penisschleisser, shared Long’s scepticism, “If vee see zee dong virm up by 10% zee trading vloor vill be avosh viff zee unwanted dong. Ov corze, zee local movurz und shakurz vill grab voteva dong zay can get, but vee could see zee international brokers vivdraw abrubtly und schtick zair spare dong into zee unpopular niche cocoa market.” One female trader, Braun Blaise, known for her strong performing 2004 portfolio in handheld electrical appliances, was
reportedly seen pulling off a large private deal in the
trading room corridor. Reliable sources report she is already under
surveillance for insider dealing in sheer silk fabrics and use of counterfeit dong.
By the end of the lunchtime session the dong had shriveled to almost nothing. Some small-traders felt the squeeze, but chose to hold onto their deposits in the hope of finding more attractive openings in the afternoon, “Opportunities were scarce this morning,” said commodities dealer Le Phuc Van. “In a bear market like this with so many buyers out to play hardball it’s better to watch the action from behind and dive in as soon as someone drops out.”
The afternoon session began with local small business owners clamouring for dong. As deposits rapidly drained most investors were left empty handed, weary and reluctant to get involved again. Fears of a ‘dong bubble’ had a few dealers looking for safe havens in which to deposit any remaining dong. Von Penisschleisser was caught on zee hop,"I did not kommen zie bitte to miss out on zee local action, but no-vun vill buy my dong. Ist ein gross problem to unload my bulging dong zis late in the zee day." By mid-afternoon the dong put on a mild spurt, but barely reached its opening marker as investors were reluctant to re-visit markets they had entered earlier in the day.
After an aggressive day on the trading floor, investor My Long Dong said, “It’s been a rough ride and I’ll be the first to admit the dong is looking a bit ragged. At the end of the day you’ve just got to swallow it and move on.” Von Penisschleisser vos also philosophical, "Zoo live and zoo learn. Zis haz bin ein day to vorget. Vee vill try and ovvload my overvlowing dong zacks tomorrow."
“Whichever way you slice it up a hard dong is a tough sell in today’s market,” says Bakersfield-based industry analyst Dick Pork. “I’d recommend a diversified portfolio. Putting dong in rubber derivatives in the short term could increase overall yield. There are no guarantees, but in this market no-one wants to be left with a stiff dong on their hands.”
If Pedrillo Holo can escape Transnistria again he will be back next month, sometime, or never, with a traffic report.
In need of someone to dissect the dazzling world of fashion in Saigon, I called upon the only person I know fit for this Special Correspondent assignment, Chanel Skidmark. Chanel is based in Nuuk, the capital of Greenland. She works as a PR for Greenland Tourism and as Fashion Editor/Adviser here at noodlepie. So, what's hot with the hip and hip with the hot on the Saigon streets this summer?This season's Silver Classics collection is informed, hardy and replete with rough hewn fabrics that breathe a subdued yet authoritative air much like the clean, crisp, cfc free air of Greenland. Pensioners Kylie and Latoya, seen pictured right, stride the streets with a confidence that only age, experience and a robust pair of pyjamas can give. It's a look that says, "Greenland is the world's largest island. It's three times the size of Texas, but with a population of less than 60,000." It's the kind of tough street image you need to survive in a dangerous city like Saigon. Nuuk is crime free, Greenlanders are very friendly and enjoy folksong and weaving. Dunno about you, but I think Kylie and Latoya look as snug as a Sisimiut shepherd grunting behind the clenched rear end of an accomodating West Greenland Musk Ox.
Sherry, pictured left, is from Bristol. Her cream eating pet tarantula's called Harvey hence her name. Sherry's straddling a scooter powered by pure walrus gas piped direct from Greenland. Shades of seaside deckchair are set off by 1970's curtain fabric influences resulting in something that aspires to world famous handwoven Greenlandic polar knitwear but ends up screaming "off-gherkins". The addition of a sunshine beach hat, while an inspired choice of city wear, gives Sherry something of a two fuel rods short of a nuclear power station industrial feel. Greenland uses a combination of gannet guana and methane produced from sustainable elk herds to heat our beautiful towns and villages. The Sherry look is a brave one that yearns to say, "I'm in command of my scooter" but ends up saying "Greenland's Inuit miorities traverse the perilous, yet captivating glacial tundra of this beguiling land on horseback to sell waxed oxen hair door to door."
The buzz on the swanky streets of Qaanaaq is crackling with one word this season; moose, muuse, moushe. Greenlanders have a love affair with moose hide and with tourists too. Book your holiday before the end of June and get 25% off all hotels and a complimentary moosemeat steak diane thrown in. Moose-hide has yet to trickle on to the Saigon streets. Ferrari red, floral motifs and go-faster stripes seem to be the standard street pattern. But I don't think it's working for Krystal, who we can see sashaying through the market looking for raddish, a bag of spuds and premium quality dried squid imported from Greenland. The whizzbang stripes that cut across her red 80% polyester, 20% cottton combo accentuate her inquiring look while simultaneously begging the question, "Can I see inside your ingenious geodesic igloo-esque living quarters?"
Finally we have Floramarina. She's modelling a black two-piece consisting of Stanley Matthews style panties combined with a sheer satin top. This get-up would be a guaranteed nipple sharpener for Greenland's all-female Olympic medal winning dog sleigh team... brrr... No way you'll find this slutty slip on bustling Nuuk fish market. Greenlandic women are renowned for going at it like a pneumatic drill between the reindeer skins. However, they prefer a more conservative outward appearance when shopping for the week's supply of delicious locally produced dried halibut and roast puffin. Floramarina boasts a vigorous look that says, "What with the excitement of a 3 nights/4 days all inclusive deal at the Hotel Sisimiut I completely forgot to put my clothes on. Ooh... and I think I just wet myself."
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